BONUS PASSAGE: Three Loves Seven, Chapter 29, Part 6 - "About All Kinds of Sh!t!"

Dear Gentle Readers,

Today you get a bonus portion. I don't know whether this will make it into the final version or not. It's not really necessary plot-wise, or anything-wise. But when we left off with Clete, he's just gone through a rather heavy morning, and I wanted to lighten him up (because I'm just about to make him do some heavy lifting in the chapter to come) and give him the day off with one of the women he likes most there on Dog Island. And to move him to that place, I am giving him the kookiest conversation I can dream up with that person.

If you are offended by four-letter words, you probably don't want to read this. If fact, why are you even reading this blog if that's the case? No matter. No explanations for this. You'll just see a couple of people who like each other, "shootin' the shit" and enjoying each other's company...

... as the story takes a breather and probably gags ...

That Mei is so intuitive. I can’t believe I was so doctrinaire telling her to just get it done and move on. What a jerkwad. I guess I was telling myself that. Yep. Sorry Rico. It’s time. Thank God I gave Mei her “own” kiss the second time, or we’d still be debating it and maybe going another three or four rounds of tongue boxing. I was thinking at that moment how Qi was going to be supremely pissed off when sent word that we’d be skipping our bathing routine as I was going to accept a dinner engagement with Mei and Na. Just as I thought of Na, I ran into her on the road to the Dragon Domain. She is one of my favorite people on the Island. She was pushing a cart, but she almost seemed to be waiting for me.

     “Earth Princess! Wassup!”

     “Sup! I am just resting for a minute.”

     “Tired already? That's not like you. That a heavy wagon?”

     “The ankles are sore this morning.”

     “I know what you mean. I always carry Ace bandages. Let me wrap you up. So what’s the freight?”

     “Do NOT tell me that you cannot smell it.”

     “Yesterday’s night soil production?

She nodded.

     “So how’d we do? Did we meet quota?”

     “I am happy to report everybody is healthy and eating well. Well, most of us. But I have some really good shit here.”

     “All we need is a pipe then, eh?”

     “What are you talking about? Who builds a sewage system for 18 people?”

     “Never mind. Where’s this cart going?”

     “That uphill path along the stream. To the cesspits.”

     “Want some help?”

     “Don’t be stupid. Nobody ever offers to help me with this. Anyway, how can you help? Your legs are weaker than mine. Everything about you is weaker.”

     “We’ll push together. I’m sure that’s worth something. Shouldn’t Yi be helping you?”

     “I refuse to make her do this work. She is a dancer.”

     “That she is. JESUS doing this kind of work takes me back to feeling like a young man. I was always told by my boss, ‘Wong? Shit runs downhill. I hired your ass to catch it.’ Damn this is heavy. And it’s hot as usual. You got any water?”

     “You are still sweating like the first day you got here. There is a running fresh supply at the top.”

     “I’ll just get a scoop from the stream.”

     “NO! Never drink from that stream. The pit overflow goes into that stream when it rains. It will make you ill.”

     “Guess we’re heading up shit creek then?”

     “Why are you smiling so much?”

     “I guess I got a shit-faced grin? I don’t suppose you have paddles there upstream?”

     “Of course. To turn the piles.”

     “Too perfect. Got shovels there too?”

     “Yes. What a question to ask. That’s like asking the Buddha if he knows nothing.”

     “So do you find that anything is as slippery as shit on a shovel?”

     “It is slippery only when it’s fresh. Test it out yourself when we get there. I have some. Put your hand on the lid of that pot there.”

     “Wow it’s still warm.”

     “Pulled right out from under Xiaomei. When it’s that fresh I say it’s ‘hot shit.’”

     “No shit?”

     “Is that an American expression for something?”

     “Yeah, it’s short for, ‘You’re not bullshittin’ me are ya?’ Which is like saying ‘You’re joking right?’”

     “So bullshit is not worth anything in America?”

     “It’s worth quite a bit in a gardening store. Chickenshit  too.”

     “People pay good money for it then?”

     “I am not shitting you. Oh golly. It’s so hot. This is figuratively knocking the shit outta me. You push this cart uphill how many times a week? This is really poopin’ me out. Let’s take a rest.”

I decided pushing a sewer wagon uphill was basically like driving a beer truck—basically you’re just hauling fluids.

     “How many pickups do you make?”

     “There are four common toilet facilities, but everyone has chamber pots too. Every few days, but since we are expecting a big storm, I wanted to clear the pots today.”
     “So can you tell everyone’s shit apart?”

     "What do you think?"

She opened up one of the pots. To my own surprise, I looked in and studied the contents.

     “Guess whose that is," she asked me.

     “Uh … Jie? There’s hardly any in there. She hardly eats anything I noticed.”

     “No. That’s Lum’s. She was constipated when I got there, she has those kinds of problems with her gut. I told her to get off the pot. That’s why there’s not much for her. Now look at these.”

     “These look like rabbit pellets, but bigger. Whose?”

     “Sea Witches.”

     “Holy shit.”

     “OK. Whose do you think this is?”

     “That’s a load of horse shit! Smells grassy! Lookit all that fiber!”

     “That should be a hint.”

     “Qi?”

     “Right. She eats like field animal, no karma. She doesn’t even eat insects.”

     “How did I not notice that?”

     “When would you have noticed?”

     “We were always shitting together. I was a security risk. Under 24/7 surveillance. Remember? But now that I think of it, we mostly shit in the dark.”

     “Yours started to look like that too while you were living with her. But it reverted. Hers is very special. It has many good bugs in it from her gut. I always like to mix hers with the carnivores shit to speed the curing. It makes everything sweeter faster.”

     “Wow. You really know your shit. And not just by a process of elimination. Eh? Something must be wrong with me. This one actually is starting to smell good to me.” I lifted the lid. “It’s pretty runny too.”

     “Oh, that’s my stew that I am simmering for my lunch.”

     “No shit?”

     “Or course not.”

     “THAT’S WHY it’s hotter than shit.”

     “Naturally.” She lifted the pot out of its rack. “See the portable brazier under it?”

     “Got it.”

     “Know what the heat source is?”

     “Lian’s charcoal?”

     “One of these.” She handed me a hardened cake of organic material.

     “Not charcoal? What?”

     “Don’t recognize it? You made it. Shit bricks. That horrible shit you were making the first week you came? Dense. Oily. Like clay. I wondered what to do with it. I mixed it with hemp and dried them into these cakes. The resulting ash is a pretty good insect repellent too.”

     “Wow. Ol’ Johnson would be proud of me, oil man turned into a sustainable fuel source. You know, if you made a building out of this stuff, you’d have a shit-brickhouse. Be pretty funny if you made an outhouse out of it. And then you’d have to build it in the shape of Marilyn Monroe to complete the irony.”

     “Let me show you something else. Still drying.” She brought out small, round, metal form that was filled with a solid brown paste.

     “Looks like brown shoe polish. Hard to tell the difference.”

     “Your favorite disciple’s. Qin Qin. She has been secretly eating that horrible prepared bush food you brought with you. That’s why it’s like this.”

     “I guess it all comes out in the end?”

     “Tell her to stop eating that crap."
     "What's this?" I held up a long metal form filled with the same shit.
     "I make them into little logs too. They are a pretty good candle when I'm caught out after dark. That's not done yet. Just drop that log into the drying chamber there please."
     "I'm all over it, like a fly on ... you know. Hey, that reminds, since we're on a coffee break and we're talking about road food, I got some sweet baos Feng made for breakfast earlier." I pulled four buns out of my rucksack. "Happy to let you pinch a couple of these loaves offa me."
     "I will take one, thank you. You have as you say, another shit-face grin on. You made me say something dirty didn't you?"
     "I'll give you an English lesson practicum later. Mad at me?"
     "Always. But I like to see you smile. I hope you are having fun with this." 
     “I’m as happy as a pig in shit.”

     “OUR pigs are toilet trained. They would not be happy in shit.”

     “Na. Honestly. Your lunch? Here. Doesn’t this gross you out though? Keeping your lunch right next to  your … uh … inventory? I mean didn’t your mother tell you ‘Don’t shit where you eat?’”

     “I assure you, none of mine is here. I keep my professional life and my personal life separate. This makes you squeamish, no?”

     “I’m just thinking about your lunch. What if you make a mistake? Between the pots, I mean …”

     “Are you trying to say something about my cooking?”

     “By the way, I’m actually supposed to be your and Mei’s dinner guest tonight.”

     “In that case, you better pay close attention to what I serve you.”

     “No matter. Everything I touch turns to shit. Especially what goes in my mouth.”

     “I was under the impression that everything that came out of it was shit.”

I opened my mouth, but nothing wanted to come out.

     “Goddamn you, Na.”

     “What?”

     “You’ve exhausted me of all my shit-idioms.”

     “Now that you’ve used them all, will you speak courteously?”

     “To you? Sure. Why not?”

     “Are you finally rested? Let’s get the shit out of here.”

     “I have a better idea.”

     “What?”

     “Wanna play hooky with me?”

     “Hooky? Is it legal?”

     “For you, probably not. It means skipping work. My morning is shot, my research schedule has been delayed so many times I’m never going to catch up. And I’ve decided I’m on vacation today. Let’s go pull a nice fresh fish out of the ocean, grill it on the beach, and just relax in the shade. I’d like some company.”

Na looked at her cartload of night soil. She seemed a bit conflicted.

     “Can’t that shit wait?” I asked. “It’s not going to go bad or anything? Is it?”

     “No. It gets better with age.”

     “I sense reticence. You must have a production deadline. I can relate.”

     “Actually, it doesn’t take much convincing for me. I can use a day off. It’s just that this has a tendency to pile up if you don’t deal with it. Can you at least help me take a dump?”

     “I think you mean take it TO the dump. Do that and just throw shit? Into the pool? No turning the piles? Let’s hurry then.”

     “Why didn’t you ask Mei to go with you? I had these empathetic feelings that you were doing something very pleasant with her just now. My mouth kept drooling and my bottom half kept feeling empty and itchy.”

     “Did you guys used to Siamese twins or somethin'?"
     "Third Branch has Thai ancestry in it, not my branch. Polynesian and Melanesian yes."
     "I'm talking about that mental telepathy thing you guys do?”

     “I don’t really understand that word.”

     “I did ask her to spend some time. She decided her job came first. Whoa. I guess I just insulted you by telling you I asked her first.”

     “No insult. She and I share everything. You included. Or she shares and I steal. I was thinking to come and steal you away anyway. She seems a confident person, but I can always count on her to defeat herself. But I decided to let her win today. She needed to be with you. And yet she sent you away. She is so afraid of doing something just for herself. She is that kind of person.”

     “Actually what I offered to help her with her job. She insisted no.”

     “She’d think differently if she had my job.”

     “Time's a-wastin'. Let us do this thing then.”

And so, we powered the cart up to the pits and quickly dumped the pots. I took a look about. She had a system of 12 curing sectors set up to process waste. The pits had been located in a place with a constant sea breeze such that there was never any buildup of poison gas. She showed me that certain flora and fauna were encouraged to live there to check the opportunistic insect populations that you would get in a septic area—it was quite ingenious.

     “So the old saying is true: ‘The grass is always greener over the cesspool.’

     “Let’s go! Unless you’d rather just stand her and impress yourself with your ‘shitticisms.’”

     “That was pretty good. Mind if I use that?”

     “We could just stretch out here and pretend it’s a beautiful lake? There is actually a scenic spot there where I always sit and eat my lunch. It’s a cold spot, but you might like it.”

She took me up to a high point in the area. There was a beautiful view of the bay. The way the surrounding  rocks were situated created a natural wind tunnel through which the sea breeze passed. We sat on a patch of extremely thick and lush grass. It almost felt like being on a golf course.

     “Na! This is amazing. It’s an ambient 72 degrees Fahrenheit here or thereabouts. It feels like L.A.!”

     “I told you it was cold. And it’s dry. For all of the daily rain we get, this is one of the places where it does not fall. Therefore I can control the moisture content of the outdoor piles.”

     “And the breeze moves the stench, and the flying insects away. It’s like an envelope of temperance.”

     “When a batch of fertilizer is just about cured and good to use, I lay it out on one of the four sectors here. When the natural grass comes up like what we are sitting on at this color, I know there are only good bugs in it and I can move it onto the gardens.”

     “Why are you not living in this location? Any of you?”

     “The Earth Guardians are the only ones who know about it. We keep it a secret. The Founder of the Outside, who laid out the living and farming zones of the entire Island assigned this to its current use. The Earth Guardians say in their history that she knew it was important to control wastes to preserve health and she chose what she thought was the best possible place. She was very wise.”

     “Obviously. You’ve essentially given your best human living space to your bacteria. That’s quite generous.”

     “I like to think they pay us back in gratitude by giving us good health. Even though we sweat much. In fact, when I am ill myself, I come here and lay on this patch, breathing in the air, making tea from the grass and leaves, and I am almost immediately better.”

     “Not only beneficial bacteria, they’re beneficent and grateful. I’ll keep your secret. Would you mind if I came here to cool off once in a while?”

     ‘You are allowed to only if you bring me with you.”

     “I want to stay here all day.”

     “Let’s not. You said we had vacation plans today.”

     “The credit card is empty. Shall I take you shopping, Mooncakes?”

     “Everything here is overpriced. And made in China.You get me jewelry next time you go to Tokyo.”

     “Got it Babe. How about sights? Got any Indian burial grounds we can visit?”

     “We do. Many Indian vessels have shipwrecked here. Good idea. We can pray for them.”

She pulled me out of “The Envelope” and I reluctantly went back into the hot and smelly real world.

     “The aroma here kinda makes you hungry for a nice egg salad sandwich, hunh?”

     “And the sight of it makes me think of a nice plate of Japanese curry. Tell you what. I will make that for dinner tonight. Just to hold the memory of this time together. Come on!”

She took my hand and started pulling back down the path.

     “Shouldn’t we go get your fishing gear?”

     “Nah. We’ll run into Lee and I know she’ll give me all kinds of shit for being lazy. We are just going to wade into the sea I’m going to see if I can talk them giving themselves up without a fight. Everybody seems to think that works here.”

     “Correction. They think it works FOR YOU.”

     “That’s a load of horse sh … horse feathers, not to mention, fol de rol and fiddle dee dee. Hi! I’m the fish whisperer! Got a dolphin problem? Orcas biting off the back of your boat and taking away your firstborn? Call Sharkbusters!”

     “Said the man with the pet centipede.”

     “If fish whispering doesn’t work, we’ll go get Eve and Eights spears and nets. So. Doll-face. Where can you get a good mai-tai on this island?”

     “What’s a mai-tai?”

     “It’s alcohol for girls.”

     “Lee is the brewer and dispenser of all substances like that.”

     “My yard boss! Goddammit and God help us. We’re shit outta luck then! We’ll just have to alter our own moods.”

     “My mood is pretty good right now. Know how you can help keep it that way?”

     “How?”

     “Keep your mouth shut.”

© Copyright 2012 by Vincent Way, all rights reserved.