Noon arrived
at its usual time, although Three found himself wishing it would delay itself
for once as he had not heard back from Qi on what to do. So, it appeared he had
to fall back on the time-honored, but dangerous tactic of improvisation.
The
Mountain View Academy steward announced the arrival of eight guests for midday
tea. Blessing escorted four military officers in dress uniforms and four Palace
Eunuch Guards into the academy courtyard, which had been set up for an outdoor
event. All eight men were armed. Assembled in the courtyard at various tables
were the 24 students of the four cohorts, the full faculty, and, on the
periphery, were the other academy employees and casual laborers. The eight men
were seated at the primary tables on a platform with the Headmaster and his
wife and daughter.
“Students,
esteemed faculty,” said the Headmaster, “today we have the privilege of being
joined for lunch by our guests, Captain Red Beard of the Imperial Eunuch Guard
and his associates . . .” and he proceeded to name each of his sizable
companions. “And we are especially delighted to have among us the hero of the
Northwestern Wars, and soon to be married at the state wedding, the illustrious
Field General Zuo.” The gathered academy applauded and gave the school cheer, and
burst into song in honor of the guests.
“If you are not familiar with the mission of
Mountain View Academy,” said the Headmaster addressing the newly arrived guests
directly, “every two years I travel the country identifying young men of
extraordinary talent and intellect, but who lack the means to attain a
first-class education, and I bring them here under endowments and train them to
pass the Civil Service Exams. All of our alumni have exceeded expectations and
except for poor health or death, to a man, all serve our great country.”
Red Beard
and General Zuo politely listened but were each scanning about for a person who
seemed to be missing from the assembly. Simultaneously their eyes locked on
their shared target. Three was coming briskly down the garden path. He had torn
his robe and excused himself for a quick change and took his place, completing
a foursome table comprising him, the Headmaster, the general, and Red Beard. He
recognized both from the previous day and gave them both polite and warm
greetings. Thanks to his experience as a negotiator, Three was accustomed to
dining with men with whom expected to have unpleasant conversation afterward,
and so he never let that expectation spoil his appetite and the casual small
talk that could be enjoyed beforehand. Business was business, but dining was
always to be savored.
“We have
eight large men today Madame Cook,” said Professor Wu. “I’m eager to see if you
can keep up with their appetites.”
“You just
watch us, sir,” said the cook, “we got the extra help you hired,” and the staff
began moving out platter after heaping platter to all tables. One of the
serving maids bumped Three, causing him to look up at her. She was twitching
her nose, as if about to sneeze. She was wearing the type of white smock worn
by the palace kitchen workers he had spoken to days ago. Her face was vaguely
familiar, but he remembered Golden Talent’s words to him and dismissed her as
just another “Capital Face Girl.” He was going to hand her his napkin, but he
saw that she already carried several. He turned to the general.
“Glint?”
said Three, “You have quite the eye for women, what’s your opinion of the
fabled Capital Face that so many women here adopt?” He nudged Glint entreating
his attention to move onto the girl standing next to them.
“Truthfully
Three? I’m not really a face man. I don’t bother looking at them. I’m much more
interested in parts lower down on the body . . .”
Three was
trying to be discreet, but Silver Bird was listening intently to everything
word. She blew air out of mouth in disgust and kicked the leg of Three’s chair
as she took away the empty plates back to the kitchen.
“No luck?”
asked Seven as she turned a draining basket and poured a fresh batch of fried
dumplings onto an awaiting platter of flat-leaf herbs.
“Such a
dense, dense guy. All of his attention is on his food. And then talking about
me as if were not even there. I AM . . .”
“You’re a
maid. Can’t you just whisper to him he’s needed in the kitchen for just a
minute? That’s all I need.”
“I know, I
know. But he’s totally engrossed in being polite and chummy with his
tablemates. Have you learned what’s going on here? They’re acting polite, but
they’re sizing each other up. Bunch of wolves about to piss on each other.
They’re so focused. Frankly, I’m shocked Red Beard hasn’t recognized me hasn’t
called me out yet.”
“Apparently
there was some altercation after curfew last night and they were all involved.
That’s all the staff can tell me. The military man across from Three. He looks
familiar. Who is he?”
“He will be
familiar enough. You’ll be sharing his bed in a few days.”
“THAT’S MY
FIANCE?”
“Yep. I
forgot you haven’t seen him close up without a hat. Gorgeous isn’t he? Kinda
helps you decide when you have them sitting there right next to each other,
doesn’t it? He really makes Three look small … and fat. For that matter, Red
Beard makes him look absolutely puny.”
“AI YAH!
What is the general doing here?”
“I can’t
even guess. Sort of makes revealing yourself problematic no?”
“I’m going
out there and I’ll give him my message.”
“Good luck
on getting his attention.”
The kitchen
helper-delivery boy made his way to Three’s table with a special one-serving
teapot. The boy announced to Three, “A special tea offering from the kitchen,”
and then poured. Three stopped his conversation with Red Beard for a moment,
tapped the table with his hand in thanks, and picked up the teacup and took a
swig. His face screwed up, he turned his head, and spewed a jet of the yellow
liquid on the ground with great force. All nearby tables turned to him. “BOY!
THAT IS NO TEA! THAT IS SOMETHING LIKE AN 75 PERCENT INFUSION OF TURMER … ick
…?”
The boy put
his head down to this knees and then came back up swiftly. “I am so sorry. I
must have pulled the seasoning pot instead of the teapot! A napkin?”
Three’s
eyes met Seven’s, visually probing her face as if to say “WHERE THE HELL HAVE
YOU BEEN?”
She dangled
the napkin which he grabbed. He held it so that no one saw the message that had
been written in sauce on it, “Confess me. All will go well.”
He dabbed
his mouth, nodded to her, and handed it back. “Well, accidents happen. At least
it wasn’t the pepper oil,” he said with a smile. Three really needed a
follow-up question or two, but he thought he knew what to do well enough, and
the fruit had just come out to wrap up the meal.
“Headmaster
Wu,” said General Zuo, “I thank you for your kind hospitality and sumptuous
meal, and for holding Mr. Wang here for us, but Captain Red Beard and I have
some unfinished business to attend to with him. Do you have a room where the
three of us can speak privately?”
“Certainly
gentlemen, but I wonder if I might make a scholarly request of the two of you?
I know that you are here on state business, and as it is my mission to train
these young men on the proper conduct of such doings as they prepare to take
their places in the Service, I humbly ask that you conduct your business,
whether pleasant or unpleasant, in their sight, so that they may draw an
example of your processes and fine leadership? They are tomorrow’s magistrates,
after all.”
“That is a
most irregular request . . .” Red Beard started in protest, but was
interrupted.
“Oh, I
don’t know why not,” said the general. “Relax Captain. I think these youths
deserve to see the workings of government at its finest.”
“Excellent,”
said the Headmaster who immediately stood and spoke. “Boys, please keep your
seats. In lieu of your early afternoon session, we will observe a live legal
proceeding that will unfold before us. I anticipate there will be a formal
accusation and arrest for a crime committed along with a field interrogation
and a weighing of evidence. Pull up your chairs and pay close attention as we
will discuss and analyze what happens afterward. Yes, that hand there.”
“Headmaster,”
asked a boy from Cohort 3, “is Mr. Wang the accused?”
“We will
find out. Gentlemen?” he signaled by his question for Zuo and Red Beard to
proceed. “Please conduct yourselves as if we were not even here.”
“I will
begin,” said the general. “Three, I demand that you surrender the gold pendant
that you redeemed from me yesterday, immediately.”
“Initial
demand,” announced the Headmaster.
“Why? I
paid you the agreed-upon redemption price,” said Three.
“Rejection
of claim,” announced the Headmaster.
“Professor
of Wu, is that REALLY necessary?” demanded Three. “It’s extremely distracting.”
“Very
well,” relented the Headmaster, “ but we reserve the right to pose follow-up
questions at crucial points.” Three rolled his eyes. He was so glad he was done
with school and exams.
“That piece
was not yours to offer as security in the first place,” said Zuo.
“Says who?”
said Three. “Do you have proof of ownership?”
“No. But I
know it belongs to my fiancée.”
“No it does
not. It belongs to me. Someone gave it to me. A dear friend and business
associate.”
“And who
would that be?”
“None of
your business.”
“A business
associate? Like that lowlife thief you were buddying up to yesterday?”
“Now, now.
Don’t you be jumping to conclusions. Who knows? Maybe your fiancée gave it to
me. Because she likes ME better.”
“I have
killed men for making statements much less flip than that.”
“We’re not
here to discuss how you make executive decisions, but I’m not saying anything
that could never be true.”
“Do you
have proof that you received that as a gift?”
“Who the
hell gets a receipt for receiving a gift?”
“I believe
our good Captain Red Beard has an answer for that one.”
“Is it time
for me to enter my demand?” asked Red Beard.
“For the
time being,” said Zuo. “Tell him why I venture a claim on it.”
“That is
the property of the Palace. It belongs a member of the Royal Family,” said Red
Beard. “All gift transactions of property of that sort are to be recorded.
There is no record of that being proffered to anyone as a gift or sale item. I
remind Mr. Wang that he himself registered is father’s gifts to the Princess
Seven with the Palace Ministry only a few days ago—so he is well aware of our
protocols.”
“OK,” said
Three, “I’ll concede protocol, but perhaps your records are out of date or
incomplete? Have you followed up with the previous owner?”
“That,
sir,” said Red Beard, “is none of your concern.”
“So this is
all at the same time everybody’s business and yet nobody’s business,” said
Three. “I call it a draw and say we move on our way until somebody else adds
something new. I have possession and neither of you have made a superior claim
to my satisfaction such that I feel compelled to comply with your respective
requests. Excuse me now. I’m done,” said Three as he rose from his chair.
“How now!,”
said Zuo as he snapped out of his chair to meet Three. “You are NOT done.
Nobody talks to me like that.”
“Perhaps
they should,” said Three. Red Beard rose out of his chair. As he did so, Three
remarked flippantly, “Ah! The towering ploy. When lack of presenting a superior
argument fails, resort to physical intimidation. Really gentleman? Are we still
in the Hsia? I’m not impressed. Nearly all men tower above me.”
All work in
the kitchen had stopped and everyone was gathered at the edge of the courtyard
to hear the arguments. A certain cook’s boy and a maid were whispering wildly
at each other in some court language that the staff did not know.
“What is he
doing?” said Seven. “He is supposed to be exposing me to deflect them from
him.”
“If you ask
me,” said Silver Bird, “I’d say he’s decided he can win and is trying to not
give up anything.”
“Why?”
“He’s probably trying to impress you. That’s
men for you.”
“He’s impressing me that he’s an
idiot who doesn’t take direction.”
“I don’t think he will win though.
It’s very exciting though.”
“Exciting? Red Beard’s hand is on
his sword. Three is playing with his life.”
One of the boys in Cohort 2 raised
his hand and asked a question, “Headmaster? May I?”
“Go ahead, boy,” said Wu.
“Is Master Wang some great fighter
of renown?”
“You saw him wield the pole
yourself yesterday.”
“Yes, and he tapped the Sifu. But I
was wondering why the authorities would deploy eight such fighting men to
subdue him? To do that is to accord him great honor and respect in that regard,
no?”
“An astute observation and a fair
question,” said the Headmaster. “So gentlemen? Is Wang such a force to be
reckoned with that he merits such a display? Do you give him that much homage?”
“I do NOT!” said the general.
“He is an insignificance,” said Red
Beard.
“Well, if we are agreed that I am
utterly harmless, you will not object to this,” said Three. “Backie, Lucky,
Sifu? This is neither he time nor place to bear arms. Please collect all
weapons and entrust them to the Sifu for safekeeping. Even though we are all
reasonable men having reasonable conversation here, they make me nervous. We
don’t want any of the boys getting hit by accident do we?” And so all eight men
were disarmed of all weapons. Once that
was done, Three resumed his talk with Glint. “Do you have anything else to say
to me?”
“Hand over the pendant,” said the
general.
“Same deal as the big guy, last
night. You want it, you have to forcefully remove it from me. I’m not a thief,
but you get to look like one in front of everybody here.”
Zuo reached for Three’s neck but
then restrained himself. Instead he took his gloves and threw them at Three’s
feet. “Pick them up.”
Three bent down. Backie came
alongside Three. “Boss? Are you sure? You missed the introductions. You need to
hear something . . .”
Three was not listening to Backie.
“I’ve heard enough out of this blowhard. A duel eh Glint? Sure. Only if it’s a fair fight. Winner gets
the pendant and all it represents.”
“Archery,” said Zuo.
“I’m weak in archery,” said Three.
“How about rhetoric?”
“Weak,” said Zuo. “Horsemanship.”
“Weak,” said Three. “Military
history.”
“Weak,” said Zuo.
“HEY! Wait a minute. You’re a
military officer. This is something you’re supposed to be strong at.”
“I don’t bother with all that written
claptrap. I fight and defeat Mongols because I think like them, not because I
study some high-falutin’ professor of strategy who hasn’t picked up a sword in
decades. Fencing.”
“Weak,” said Three.
“Let me suggest something,” said
Red Beard. “Left hand and arm.”
“Weak,” said Three.
“Weak,” said Zuo.
“Gentlemen, we have identified your
equality. A left-handed arm wrestle.” And with that Red Beard picked up a table
and set it in the elevated are of the courtyard. The two men set selected
chairs opposite one another and set the hands against one another while Red
Beard held them both readying the start.
“You were born in the Year of the
Dragon, weren’t you?” asked Three.
“Yes. You?”
“Dog. I wondered why we didn’t get
along.”
“Enough. BEGIN!” yelled Red Beard, and
the contest of weak hands and arms commenced. An evenly matched arm wrestle is
one of the most boring of contests to spectate—even more uneventful than Chess
or Go. The opponents just sit there very
still waiting until the other weakens, and this contest was no exception. The
fight went on for the better part of an hour when Zuo felt Three starting to
buckle under a few of his probing bursts.
Three expected Dragon Zuo to make a
bold, surprise move, and sure enough he did. Three shut his eyes, let himself
fall back a bit, just enough to pull Zuo off balance. Three twisted a bit to
find a weak spot, and then shifted Zuo’s energy back against him. Three felt
some give, but Zuo resisted and then came the sickening sound of the cracking
of bones.
“I am broken!” went up a yell as
the general’s hand fell back limp to the table. “You bastard! You broke me? You
little worm! I lost. I LOST! My arm! We need to set it! Gods!” The general’s
lieutenants gathered about to assess the severity of the break when the Sifu entreated
them to his studio where he, an old war veteran himself, could set and splint
the arm.
A cheer had gone up among the boys
and the scholars. The teachers had never expected one of their own would find
any success in besting the hero of Northwest Wars in any sort of physical contest.
And yet, as incongruous as it was, it happened.
“Boss!” yell Backie, slapping his
master on his back, “That was really something. I didn’t know you had it in
you.”
Three straightened himself up and
grabbed his arm. “Well, ol’ Sergeant Glint ain’t the only one who won’t be able
to do anything with his left arm. Ohh, this hurts,” said Three.
“So how’s it feel to be the man to
hand General Zuo his only career defeat?” asked the Headmaster.
“Right. Ha! ‘General’ Zuo. That’s good
one. And we’re fighting over Her Highness, Favorite Scion of the Son of Heaven.
Man, I don’t know how I did it, but I sure put that asshole lieutenant with the
oversized ego in his place. Talk about luck. I’m sorry he got hurt, but he
asked for it. Jerk.”
The Headmaster gave Three a puzzled
look. “Do I have something wrong here?”
“He doesn’t know who the general
is,” said Backie. “He missed your introduction. They only just met yesterday at
the whorehouse.”
“Wang. That,” said the Headmaster,
“IS Field General Zuo, the war hero, and the betrothed of the Princess Seven to
be married in a few days.” The blood drained out of Three’s face as the
realization sank in. “I thought you knew. You two seemed friendly enough this
morning, and even last night. You were using his casual nickname.”
“No,” said Three. “The general? That
can’t be. I can’t be the guy to break his arm right before his wedding. He’s
going to look like a fuckin’ invalid on his fuckin’ wedding day because of ME.
This is not good. He’s going to hunt me down to the ends of the earth and kill
me slowly. Why didn’t someone tell me who he was?”
“I tried to boss,” said Backie.
“You didn’t try hard enough. You’re
FIRED! Oh man, oh man, I am in such a pot of stew!”
“Don’t worry,” said Backie. “His
pride is damaged, but he’s fighting man. He understands these things. You won a
fair fight. You should have no regrets.”
“No regrets? The guy does NOT
understand the situation. He NEVER loses. Not only did he lose to a twerp like
me, he lost in front of some what, 50 people. I gotta lie down. No, I gotta
run.”
“Problem easily solved,” came a
voice from behind him who put his hand on Three’s shoulder. It was Anto. “Just
kill him. I believe you have it in you
now.”
“Why are you here?” asked Three.
“Me and the crew see all this metal
and muscle show up here, so we were standing by, just in case we needed to get
you out of here fast. I owe you still. The 24 boys of the academy had now
gathered about Three as well.
“Boys,” said the Headmaster, “even
the mighty Field General Zuo can learn a lesson at Mountain View Academy.
Humility. If there is a subject in which we specialize, it is that.”
The boy who stood first in his
class of the eldest Fourth Cohort spoke up. “Master Wang? Following up your
earlier lecture to us, would you tell us the length of time you you deemed
reasonable to hold your defense and likewise defend your honor?”
“Fair enough. I resolved that I
should survive to a count of 1,000 and then relent. And so I imagined myself
walking up a stairway to a mountain temple, counting each step as I ascended.”
“But you did not relent. Why did
you continue?”
“I didn’t want to give up the
pendant without a real fight. Plus the longer you hold the position, the easier
it seems. But you tell me, lad, what standard of honor did you have for me?”
“I expected nothing less than total
victory from you sir,” said the boy, “as did we all. We were not disappointed.”
“And why would you hold me to such
a high standard?” asked Three.
“If you’re chosen field of combat
were truly equal, the arms were of no consequence then. It was a contest of the
minds behind the hands. And how could the finest prevailing great mind of
Southern China not win?”
“You boys flatter me. I still
commend you to your physical studies so as to put the full strength of your
bodies into the service of your minds. On that note. Anto, I have decided how
you will repay the gold I lost to you.”
“Raja?”
“For the rest of the time you are
in this city, you and Ska, and your crew are going to teach these boys your version
of the martial arts, with knives. If that’s all right with you Headmaster? A
temporary change of teacher will be good for them.”
“I don’t see why not,” said Wu. “Do
you have any references sir?”
“Mostly they’re dead,” said Anto.
“But ask any Dutch or Portuguese sea captain about me. Come boys. We have our
first lesson. Everybody pick up a rock …”
Three set his head on the table
trying to make sense of the situation in which he now found himself. Perhaps
feeling sorry for him, a maid came out carrying a fresh pot of tea.
“Refreshment after your victorious
exertions, sir?” It was Capital Face Girl again he thought.
“It’s tea this time? I was hoping
for alcohol. Miss? Have you ever been an actress?”
“Is that really the best line you
can come up with?”
He shrugged good naturedly. “Sorry.
I just had to ask that. I feel like I know you.”
“Let me congratulate you anyway on
being the only person in town who has made the general whose manhood is
legendary, go limp,” she replied.
“Well aren’t you the saucy one,” he
said sitting up.
“So what’s you’re preference?
Velvety sweet and savory? Spicy mustard? Or maybe pungent fishy?”
Three chuckled and licked his lips.
“Sharp words cut best when they’re from a pretty mouth. And they say you can’t
get good help. Professor? Double her salary. You gotta find something better
for her to do.”
The Headmaster took a closer look
at Silver Bird. “Girl? Have I ever hired such a wit? You work for me? What’s
your name?”
“Oh Master,” she said coyly,”you’ll
only forget again.”
“Ah, you’re right,” the Headmaster
agreed.
“I’ll just stand by, unless any of
you men need something?” And with that she went into invisible servant mode and
listened.
“There remains,” said Three to the
Headmaster, “the problem of how I deal with that huge wall of a eunuch whom
I’ve made into an enemy. Where did he get to?” A shadow fell on Three. It was
Red Beard.
“I am not your enemy,” said the
eunuch. “Those who are on the side of justice and fairness need not fear me. I
looked in on the general—he will not look like an invalid on his wedding day.
He will hurt, but he knows how to mask that.” The eunuch sat down.
“That’s a relief,” said Three.
“Good thing you didn’t break his
leg,” said Red Beard. “That would have been problematic. He will have to limit
his movements, but I’m sure they will modify the ceremony to his best
advantage. But the story will get out.”
“He doesn’t know who I am right? I
never told him,” said Three.
“He knows now,” said Red Beard.”
“Damn,” said Three.
“If we were to find the field of
our equality, Master Wang,” said Red Beard, “It is not a certainty that I would
win against you. I want you to know that no man has ever disarmed me while I
was on duty, except you. And you did it only by turning my hubris against me
and with shame. But that said, I still have duty to fulfill and we have
unfinished business. As I said, I am not your enemy. My job is to protect the
inventory of the Palace. There is a missing piece which I have now located. I
either return the piece or a reasonable testimony for its proper transmittal
from owner to either a buyer or a gift recipient. Which will you give me?”
“How old are you?” asked Three.
“38.”
“Dog.”
“Yes.”
“We’re persistent, aren’t we?”
“To my nonscholarly mind,” said Red
Beard, “this pendant has picked up an undesirable ‘coating’ while it has been
out, which I am unable to remove without doing unnecessary harm.”
“You’re talking about me? Like a
corrosive slime?” said Three.
“Maybe you ARE the smartest man in
Southern China.”
“Backie, is it just me? Or does it seem
that everybody feels free to be a sarcastic clown when they start talking to
me?”
“Two words Boss, sword practice,”
said Backie.
“You too. You’re fired again.”
“You are too clever for your own
good Wang,” said Red Beard “Perhaps that cleverness can tell me what I can do
to help both of us.”
“A couple of questions.”
“Proceed.”
“What is the penalty for theft of
such an item?”
“Beheading.”
“Is it a crime to shield such a
thief?”
“Yes.”
“The penalty?”
“The same.”
“Any leniency given for first-time
offenders? Or say, if the defendant is the son of a Duke?”
“You mean like only take off half
his head?” quipped the eunuch.
“Just a little off the top, but
leave the queue, thanks. I got a job interview coming up … HERE WE GO AGAIN.”
“My apologies. Your nature invites lightness.
The final sentence would be up to the magistrate.”
“Naturally. I suppose if a man must
live a life looking over his shoulder, as I will be, it’s certainly easier if
his head is not attached,” said Three. “Captain, I don’t have a ready solution
yet, but I’m going to continue to work on this problem. For right now, let’s
make it easy for you. Lucky? From my quarters bring me all of my crested
handkerchiefs, the robe I am to wear to the wedding—the boring dark blue one
with the mandarin square—some leather thongs, my father’s seals, and the key to
the strongbox.
Lucky fetched all these items.
Three removed the pendant and wrapped it in one of the handkerchiefs. Onto that
he tied his father’s seals and the key and wrapped that all with another
handkerchief. He set that into the scholar’s hat he removed from his head, and
then wrapped all of that into a neat bundle using his formal robe, folding it
so that the embroidered mandarin square was displayed on top. He took some of
the leather thongs and secured it tightly with the ducal ring tied with a bow
on top.
Three held the bundle in his arms
and turned to the eunuch. “Pry it away from me and it’s yours. You will
retrieve the pendant, but you will never get the identity of the person who
gave it to me. I don’t know the full chain of ownership, how it got from you to
me, but it’s safe to assume secret paths are always twisted. I did get
permission to confess that that person is my lover. Satisfied? It’s that kind
of relationship you’re dealing with. A bad romance. I sincerely hope that one
life is enough for you to achieve the equivalence you seek.”
“Out of respect, I will not remove
the bundle from you, Master Wang,” said Red Beard, “but I am then required to
put you under arrest and take you into Palace custody. Dr. Wu, I must remove
your houseguest at this time. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have
caused your household.”
The brief mood of celebration among
the academy personnel became one of somber quietness as it became clear what
fate awaited Three as the four eunuchs escorted him out.
Cook looked about for the two
additional helpers that had been brought to her by Lucky. They were needed for
the cleanup, but probably had to report back to their respective masters. Cook
thought the girl was pretty, but worthless as a worker—however the wine
seller’s delivery boy was an absolute demon of production at the second wok
station. She would take him back any time.
© 2012 by
Vincent Way, all rights reserved.